CHAPTER THREE: I need to stop peeing on things.

21st of July, 2015

pee on sticks

I need to stop peeing on things.

Okay. So not things. Sticks. I need to stop peeing on sticks.

Trying to conceive has truly turned a corner into crazy. I knew it was starting when I found the ovulation prediction kits and peed on those. I think I got the information I needed out of them. And I think it made me feel a little bit less helpless.

But now that I’m in that awful wait where I may or may not be pregnant, I’ve started almost obsessively doing pregnancy tests. NOW, contrary to my actions, I’m not an idiot. I realise that this is the first month of us trying to have a baby. And that even really good pregnancy tests couldn’t pick up a positive yet. AND that realistically there is very little chance that I will be pregnant. It makes me feel slightly more in control.

I may or may not have peed on all the pregnancy tests I have. There were a lot.

They are all negative.

And that’s okay.

I’m okay.

There is always another month. I can pee on things next month.

Eww. And sorry,

Bella

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CHAPTER TWO – TTC, BFN, OPK and other things I don’t understand.

The Preparing to be Getting Ready to Try – 1st of July, 2015

(AKA: how I’ll over-think my way to being pregnant)

Here’s a moment of honesty. I have not much of an idea about fertility, ovulation, much about the actual science of conception and how it applies to me.

It was literally this week that I had to admit to a friend that despite being a female for over thirty years, I have no idea on what my cycle length is. Or what day I ovulate. Or even if I ovulate at all. Erm, was I supposed to know this?

I freely admit that we didn’t have any trouble conceiving either of the boys. It was very much a ‘hey, let’s see what happens!’ sorta deal. Babies happened. Awesome.

But this time around I feel strangely stressed about it. I’m older (I’m 10 years older than when we first started planning our first baby!) and haven’t had a baby in about four years. And let’s be honest, I’m heinously impatient for most things in my life. This baby especially.

I started to google – yes – I know this is a mistake. Other than some weirdly graphic pictures and some advice about rituals with chickens I am pretty sure are not scientific, I nutted out the key terms that no doubt I’m going to live my life by for a while.

Pregnancy Abbreviations

So on the advice of my friend, I’ve started tracking my cycle. Which led to a brief moment of joy and a subsequent crash with a negative pregnancy test because my period didn’t arrive when the free app I downloaded told me it should have. Stoopid app.

But I’ve persisted. I deleted that app and got a new one with better reviews. This app is WAY intrusive in what it wants you to track, but hey, it wants to know all about your lady business for a reason I guess.

The second and better app I downloaded is called Ovia (http://www.ovuline.com/) and I have to admit now that I am over the constant questions, it’s pretty cool. I check it multiple dozen times a day. At least.

But then I got sucked even further into the conception rabbit hole. The app asks me if I’ve taken an ovulation test. HEY, I love tests! I’m great at tests! Let me start doing that!

So I bought tests. They are sticks you pee on that essentially tell you whether you are ovulating which indicates it’s time to get freaky. You know how I just said I love tests? More correctly, I love WINNING at tests. However, you cannot win an ovulation test. You cannot control the result. And if you google enough, you learn that even good quality ovulation prediction kits (or OPK as the cool kids say) are massively inaccurate and throw false negatives all the time. Awesome.

I feel the crazy intensifying. I know I need to chill out, but it’s almost laughably stressy in my head.

Breathe in, breathe out. Check an app. Repeat.

Bella