Decide to be lucky

I have a friend who is working through a divorce at the moment. I say ‘working through’ rather than going through. Because it is and has been, an amicable separation and now legal divorce. No yelling, no hating, no ugliness. When I heard them speak about it though, they mentioned how lucky they are to have things work out so well.

I agree and I don’t.

In many situations in life, we make choices that affect our ‘luck’. In that particular end of a marriage, there are two people who are making choices about their behaviour, their mindset and about working together. So it’s ‘lucky’ that they both feel the same way about it, but not that it’s actually coming together this way.

I often tell myself that I am so lucky to have met The Captain and to have a lovely husband and a strong marriage. But that luck in meeting him was totally steered by the fact I had no desire to hang out with guys who were less than good people. The fact was that I was purposefully aloof and would always prefer to be single than the girlfriend of some ass. Even if they weren’t an ass all the time. So when I met The Captain, and time after time he demonstrated his amazing character not just about or to me, just the way he thinks and the little glimpses into his moral compass, it was no surprise that I fell madly in love. So yes, it was luck that this meeting happened when I was so young, but not that I married someone with the same values that I have. It’s not at all perfect, but we mark thirteen years together and ten years married next week, and it is amazing.

One area where I do feel true luck is with the conception, pregnancies, birth and beyond of my lovely boys. As someone who had been less-than-healthy in my teens and early twenties, I fully expected to struggle to get pregnant, and maybe that I wouldn’t be able to have children at all. The fact that I did really is luck. I see that Michelle Bridges is ‘being slammed’ (there’s a few irked facebook comments) for saying the healthy lifestyles of herself and her partner Steve contributed to the luck of them falling pregnant at her age (she is 44). In the article (you can read it here) she repeatedly uses the word lucky. Like me, the couple had assumed that a contributing factor in their lives might hamper getting pregnant, they had even gone so far as to book IVF appointments, but with luck, fell pregnant naturally. Had they steered their luck by being uber fit and healthy? Maybe. And when you finally take the plunge to start or extend your family, the constant worry about how things will turn out sometimes make you cling to the choices you CAN make, rather than the flipping of the universe’s coin. Even now, when I think about taking the plunge one day to expand our family, I think I couldn’t possibly be this lucky again.

luck quote

Because realistically, there are people out there who do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS who struggle and even fail to be able to fall pregnant, carry babies to term or have their children born with health or developmental struggles. I was lucky as was Michelle. I truly don’t think her comments are offensive to people who are trying to fall pregnant who aren’t as fit and healthy as she is. Because it was luck. And even if it took her a year, and IVF and sixteen lab-coats, it would still have been luck.

So where I think I’m at with luck is that a lot of what we feel is luck is actually mindset. We choose so much of our future without even realising it’s in the little choices we make all the time. Stick to your goals, and beliefs and the rest really is pure, dumb luck.

Heads or Tails?
Bella

What do you say?

I have a friend who is having trouble in their marriage.

And this friend exists. I don’t mean it in a ‘I have this friend who keeps a blog and is obsessed with all things Michelle Bridges and baby spinach’ way. This shit is sadly real.

I’d love to give them the advice they asked me for. Hell knows, my own marriage to the Captain has had it’s challenges and I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve had times where I wanted to leave and I know for sure that he did almost leave me. But somehow we’re still here. And stronger than ever.

But why?

My advice would sound simplistic and probably stupid to someone in the throes of real unhappiness. I guess it is simple, but after a decade, it still doesn’t feel stupid.

Commit to the journey.

More than anything else in the world, I am committed to my husband and my family. Unless the world ends (or something literally as life altering) I’m married.

He’s not the man I married. He’s that plus the experiences and growth of time. I’m most certainly not the woman he married. I’ve been challenged (and no doubt challenging!) have grown and am a better person because of it.

If we were playing the short game, it would have been over years ago.

My beautiful friend Jane gave me some amazing Christian advice while surviving the business ordeal. Life has seasons, and some are crappy. But seasons change. You just need to learn to weather the season you are in. I probably paraphrased that as I’m pretty sure the word ‘crappy’ isn’t in the bible though.

But even the gist of that idea is right for me, in my life and experiences.

But for every tidbit of advice that I’ve found useful over the years both personally and in business there are THOUSANDS that made me mad, made me hopeless or at least something other than hopeful.

So I haven’t offered advice to my friend. I’ve offered my shoulder and my time but I’m not sure that anyone outside a marriage can really offer advice to those inside it.

With the wind missing from my sails,

Sailor Vee