CHAPTER THIRTEEN: If you’re anxious and you know it…

The blog is rapidly approaching real-time.

The buffer that I created of a month between my real-world happenings and when the corresponding post goes live has all but eroded.

And I think I’m going to be okay with it. I think I’m mostly doing okay.

In case I wasn’t clear, I was having some real issues with anxiety for all of the early part of this pregnancy. That over-whelming worry that something was wrong, or would go wrong was just, well … over-whelming me.

Anxiety Girl - able to jump to the worst conclusion in a single bound!

Anxiety is a bitch. And unless you’ve really experienced it, is super hard to explain. Here’s a tip; being told to ‘calm down’ is not calming. Being told ‘everything will be okay’ does not actually reassure the person with anxiety. And telling them to ‘just breathe’ may very well result in you ‘just being throat-punched’.

People who suffer anxiety are most certainly not dumb. We understand and are usually more frustrated and upset with ourselves than you could ever possibly imagine because sometimes we aren’t capable of just breathing, calming down or being confident that everything will be okay.

But we are working on it. All. The. Time.

For me, the constant worrying has dropped back to a totally normal level of pregnant-mum concern. Stuff may still go wrong, but it probably won’t.

Today I am nearly 19 weeks pregnant. That’s nearly half way. Blueberry kicks, and wriggles and has been perfect on all of the scans we’ve had. I am healthy and happy and still doing all the things I did before.

I am okay. But not everyone is. Be kind. Always. Because you never know what other people have going on.

xx

Bella

CHAPTER TWELVE: Pregnant or Fat? Or Pregnant AND Fat?

I made a mental decision a while back that me being pregnant wasn’t going to be about my weight, or my body or any sort of struggle around those things.

For a health and fitness blogger, I just really don’t care that much in the scheme of growing a human.

I do absolutely respect people who maintain their super athletic bodies during pregnancy. I love people who continue to train and be bad-ass heavy-lifting, marathon-running gym girls right up until the day their little human/s arrive.

But it’s not the be-all and end-all of my life, and certainly won’t be of this pregnancy. Here’s the low-down of what I’ll find acceptable for myself during this pregnancy:

  • I’m going to gain weight. I have already. I’m okay with it.
  • I aim to eat well, and healthfully, in a balanced way during this pregnancy.
  • I aim to stay training for the whole pregnancy IN SOME FORM. I aim to adapt that as I go and be fluid and gentle in my approach.
  • I’m going to come back to training IN SOME FORM as soon as I can after the birth of Blueberry. I aim to be understanding of my body and gentle in my approach.

And let’s be honest, it’s my third baby. I have a history of previously being obese – my body is pretty darn keen to puff back out and chill in the chubby-zone. These first few month, there has been a lot of this:

pregnantorfat

Ergh.

I can’t say that it makes me happy. But it doesn’t worry me.

I have a meeting with a nutritionist this week just to chat about changes I can make to my pre-pregnancy diet that may better suit the changes in my body and hormone profile at this time in my life.

I’m still training, but at the moment that comprises two Spin/RPM classes a week and 2 small weights sessions with my weights dropped back considerably. And I’m okay with that at the moment.

So hey, if your following my blog hoping to see a girl stay super-lean, super small and bad-ass strong during a pregnancy – I apologise in advance. I’m just me. Doing my thing. As best as I can for the Blueberry and myself. And if it’s not pretty, or lean, or even particularly motivating as a fitness goal – I’m totally okay with that. You can catch me on the flipside when I get to work earning it all back with my three little people in tow.

But if you are keen to stick around, I’ll let you know how it all goes in the real world.

Thanks as always,

B

CHAPTER ELEVEN: It’s not you. It’s me. And a baby I’m not telling you about.

8th November, 2015

So, there was always going to be a down-side to not screaming the news of this pregnancy from the rooftops the very second I found out.

You see, it’s not just you out there in the blog-iverse that had to wait. I’ve not really gone ‘public’ with the news of Baby #3 at all.

At nearly 15 weeks, I’ve just gradually been telling the people close to us. Like literally, our parents. And the staff at the gym.

We are not (GASP!!) facebook-official.

baby

Of course, by the time you are reading this, we will be. But this is my coping mechanism for now, so just bear with me.

I have a sizable bump, but also a massive list of food reactions that people KNOW make me bloated and puffy. So people are generally too kind (or mostly afraid) to say anything.

BUT

I’m in this sort of limbo where I’m not actively trying to hide being pregnant, but also not feeling ready to have it all over social media. Most of that is my own anxiety, the just-in-case of something not being right. Part of it is the selfishness of having a pregnancy to ourselves and not having to answer a million questions about when he/she will be here, if I will find out the baby’s sex and if it was planned.

People are lovely. They ask questions because they care and are interested. Everything will be okay and I will be able to stop being worried soon. I’m getting okay with it. I’m literally a ticking clock of when it will all be public knowledge and on fb and instagram and I’m sure it won’t be anywhere near as scary as it feels in my head.

The tricky part at the moment though is the messages. Facebook messages, blog emails, text messages.

Stuff like this:
phone

chat

To be kind to my friends, these are NOT the real conversations. Just exactly the same as the real conversations without their details in them.

And yes, I have entirely neglected to reply to any message like this.

Damn you facebook and your seen.

It’s not that I’m mad at you. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong. I’m just being a little bit weird about it.

I promise I’ll get back to you soon.

It really isn’t you. It really is me. And the Blueberry I’ll tell you all about later.

Cheers,

B

xx

seen

CHAPTER TEN: Alright, Alright, Everythings gonna be alright

Today I am 14 weeks and one day pregnant.

My app lovingly tells me my tiny human (whom I’ve nicknamed Blueberry) is the size of a house mouse. Nice.

My precious rodent.
image

We did the road-trip yesterday to tell my parents and The Captain’s dad and step-mother. We did the trip to his Mum last weekend. So the parents are informed.

There is a bump. I’ve been slack and not taken enough photos of it, but here is last week’s update.
image

Today is the first day of my second trimester. I feel like I can breathe a little more. Not a lot, because I know well enough that terrible things can still happen, but a little. And that’s a relief.

Still not being facebook-official about baby but letting people know as it comes up in conversation. I still get panicky about announcing anything but I’m getting calmer.

It’s gonna be alright.

B xx

CHAPTER EIGHT: The Joy and Terror in Knowing

So, I know that I’m pregnant. It’s amazing and wonderful and beyond super exciting.

And scary.

Both personally and in my close circle of friends, I’ve learned and experienced way too much about early-term pregnancy loss and miscarriage. It’s far more common that people realise. Mostly because not everyone talks about it, including me.

Despite having a blog and sharing my life on the internet, I’m a pretty private person. There is NO WAY I’ll be announcing this pregnancy until it is well and truly viable and outside the danger zone of the first few months where the statistics put reported miscarriages at 1 in 5 of ALL pregnancies.

I often say to people though, it’s YOUR news, control it the way you want. For me, I keep the news of our babies very very quiet because if we were to lose this baby I would want to keep to myself to reflect and grieve and recover without having to un-announce a baby.

For other people, sharing the news of the pregnancy and a subsequent potential loss to more people would give them a bigger pool of support to draw from if they needed it. Horses for Courses.

It seems cruel in a way.

Find out you’re pregnant.

Immediately fall in love with your tiny womb-raider.

Spend the next few months terrified they might die through no-one’s fault but nature’s whim.

I’m choosing to stay positive. It’s all I can do. Eat well, move lots, take the vitamins and rest.

Chilling out, hatching a human,

B xx

CHAPTER SEVEN: Oh my God.

I don’t even know how to write this post. I’m not sure that I should.

But then, that’s what this whole raft of delayed blog posts has been about isn’t it? To help with the fear of this all being out in the open. To give me a buffer of time to process if things go wrong.

Because today, after a week of refusing to pee on sticks because I was losing my mind, I peed on a stick.

This stick:

private

Yep. There’s been some happy crying.

The stupid sticks were lying to me. I have been hatching a tiny human for 2-3 weeks and the sticks were lying. Or baby is stealthy? Like the Captain? Maybe I’m hatching a tiny ninja?

Speaking of the Captain, it’s his birthday in a few days. I’m going to keep super quiet about it until then and surprise him.

Best birthday present ever.

I’m so excited that I’m shaking.

Full of love and a tiny ninja,

B xx

CHAPTER SIX: Fall down 7 times, Stand Up 8

So I started peeing on sticks again.

I know, I know. It’s an issue.

I sometimes don’t discuss the levels of my crazy with The Captain, just the over-view. But yesterday morning he touched my tummy and asked if there might be a baby in there yet.

Nope.

How do you know?

I’ve done some tests.

Tests? Plural?

Hmmmm, like every morning for the last week including today.

But it’s only 7am now?

Yep, I got up at 4am and tested then in case it was different.

Gotta love someone who loves the type of crazy you are. He just hugs me and makes it okay.

I’m over the concern that I was losing hope. I know that I’ll be okay. Just a day away from the restart today and this saying is one of the most fitting I know.

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8

Keep on keeping on. No more peeing on sticks for a few weeks. But I’m standing back up.

B xx