I try to be honest in that my motivation to be hard-core and strict has waned since last year.
After the mammoth weight loss and then going straight into competing – I burned out. I wanted to enjoy my life and eat meals with my family that weren’t broccoli and chicken from Tupperware. I wanted to actually spend some time with my kids, rather than picking them up from school/child-care only to drive them to the gym to put them in more child-care while I trained. I wanted to be able to train because I enjoy it and the way it makes me feel, not because of a terrifying deadline looming. I wanted to be able to see my food as something more enjoyable than it’s breakdown of calories/carbs/fats/proteins and to be able to look at my body and not see my weight or my body fat percentage.
So I changed how I eat and how/when I trained. This wasn’t as much of a conscious decision as it sounds. Just a lot of small choices about my priorities right now.
The upside of this is that I am SO MUCH HAPPIER than I was in September. I’m more relaxed about everything which makes me a better mum, a better wife and generally much less of a psycho to live with.
The downside of course, is that my body doesn’t look the way I like it to.
And that’s where I’m at right now. Happy with my life, happy with my quality time with my kids and husband but not entirely thrilled (or particularly upset) with the way that I look. I’m working on the physical side of my life but am dedicated to finding balance. As much as I enjoy competing, and enjoy the bit of a lark when I can be uber-thin – I love feeling like a happy healthy human being who can interact fully in society more. I’ve had a birthday recently and I feel like I’m old enough now to accept that anything that asks me to give up and lose more than I can hope to gain isn’t going to make me happy.
I’m having a great time working on health and wellness for children in disadvantaged areas and I do sometimes wonder what on my death-bed (in my very old age) I’ll look back on and wish I did more of. What about you?
For me at the moment, it all comes down to balance. I KNOW that I can achieve what I want without giving up what I love. I just need to make it happen.