This is not the post I wanted to write.

So, in the almost 5 days that I’ve been home I’ve been planning what to write in my epic ‘post Sydney’ post. I was thinking of writing about some behind the scenes news on my Woman’s Day photo-shoot, the hilariously fun fashion parade I modelled in for One Active, my awesome finale dress, the great night out I had with the girls and the million other things I loved about being away.

But I didn’t write that post. I kept holding off. I kept finding excuses.

Something about the trip to Sydney has really freaked me out.

I have no idea what I look like.

It snuck up on me. At the photoshoot for Woman’s Day on the Friday, the amazing photographer George (http://fetting.com.au/) regularly let me check the monitors and of course the girls and I were selfie-photo mad. So I saw lots of images of myself. I looked fit. Active. Healthy. And in my wildly active imagination, my natty red, white and blue outfit made me look like a member of the US Olympic swim team. And that’s exactly how I felt.

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I didn’t feel like a supermodel, or anything special. But I did feel like it was an accurate capturing of where I am. And I loved that. I got the same feeling at the workout the next day. Even in the quick snapshots on the day, I was happy. Fit, healthy, smaller than I feel in my head – but that’s great.

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I had an AMAZING time at the finale. As a member of the top 20, I got to be up on stage and wave to everyone. And I won ‘blogger of the round’ which is super lovely and a real honour. I LOVED meeting so many people and felt uber glamorous. Until I saw some of the photos. People would snap a photo and show me the screen and each time I would feel a little weirder.

It’s not that I didn’t like the way I looked. The person in the photos looked great. But my head couldn’t in any way reconcile that it was me. It was confusing. So I ignored it. But for people playing the ‘has she lost her mind’ game at home, it was photos like these:

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I tried desperately not to think about it until I got home. Living in the travel bubble, it’s easy to hide from the internet if you want to.

Something hasn’t been sitting right in my head since I got home. Part of it is the ‘come-down’ of a MASSIVE weekend. It’s seriously hard to imagine how busy/awesome/refreshing/challenging it is to hang out with some of myΒ favoriteΒ people while getting to/from photo-shoots, fashion parades, in and out of hair and make-up sessions, dinners and breakfasts out. To come back to my normal life is both blissful and disruptively ‘normal’.

But where the freakout truly is is in those finale photos. In that weird mental break where I realise undoubtedly that I still have quite a skewed perspective of how I look. It’s not that ‘wow, I didn’t realise I was so pretty!’ surprise. It’s a complete mental inability to realise that person in the photos is me.

As someone who has struggled with body image and body dysmorphia my whole life, knowing that I am still not on top of this worries me. It means that there is scope for me to not be in control.

So I need to learn who I am all over again. While I’m still training with the aim of continuing to change and improve my body. This becomes the opposite of Operation Short Term, Hard Core. This becomes Operation Rest of my Life.

And I’m not quite sure on a plan of attack right now. So when in doubt, I go back to my default plan. For two days there that was wine and a lot of processed foods. Enough now. I know what I need to do while I get my head straight.

Eat clean, move my ass, repeat.

Love (and thanks as always for listening to the rants of a Sailor Vee adrift)

SV

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14 thoughts on “This is not the post I wanted to write.

  1. You looked amazing and the dress is decibel. I think this is quite a common phenomena in this process of health…I can totally relate…mine is more related to the disbelief of my ability to be active and sho0ping in regular sizes.

  2. Our minds are our biggest enemies!! Yours has brought you this far so I’m sure it will take you to the next level xx

  3. I completely relate but the other way around. In my before pics I couldn’t recognise myself (or even in the mirror at the time) but in 99% of the pics taken of me at the finale I can see the real me again.

    You looked gorgeous at the workout and the cocktail party. Loved the dress!

  4. Your words ring bells for a lot of people. I think thats the major reason why most people get to their goal and spring right back to bad habits, They don’t recognise the person in the mirror.

    Eat clean, move my ass, repeat. “SO TRUE” again.

    Thanks for the heads up that we CAN change our lives and love ourselves.

    Cheers

  5. What a wonderful post SV – I understand where you are coming from. It takes time for your head to catch up – I hope when I am finally happy with my image in the mirror and in photographs I will be finally at peace with myself.

    Love you SV xxx

  6. I SO understand this post SV, I’m glad I get to share your trials, tribulations and breakthroughs as they help me so much come to terms with the same issues thanks for a wonderful honest outlook as always …..following in your footsteps missy

    • Hi Dee. It’s bizarre isn’t it. I can’t ever imagine that of you, but get that it still happens. Just need to plow through the bad headspace until I catch up πŸ™‚

  7. Thanks so much SV. What you write resonates so much with me, and this post in particular, YES. YES. A million times YES. I loved spending time with you in Sydney and chatting – thank you x Like Sandra, I am following in your footsteps, and loving your honest outlook xxx

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