This is a hard blog for me to write.
In equal parts I am sad, surprised and overjoyed with myself.
One year ago exactly today, I sat sobbing on the floor of my spare room wearing a swimsuit about 4 sizes too small having just taken my first ‘before’ photo for the 12wbt.
Even on the display of the camera, what I saw broke me. When I had to press the button to upload it to the site for the first time, I shook with the fear that something would go wrong and it would end up public, for the world to see the shameful truth that was my body.
As I drove to the gym today I thought of that girl that I was a year ago and it struck me painfully. She had NO WAY of knowing what was coming this year. She stood on the precipice of an abyss that she hoped would help her lose a little weight. My goal at joining was to be “less fat”. She was about to be blind-sided.
In the car today, remembering that poor, sad, frightened girl, I sobbed again. Because if you write the list out, I’ve lost a lot of important stuff this year.
- I lost the company that I helped build from the ground. A year ago I was so proud of my achievements there and excited for my long term future growing the company and building that asset for my family.
- Because I worked in and for the company, this meant losing my job.
- I lost two very close friends. My business partners made a choice favoring the financial gain of a takeover to my friendship, and their betrayal and ruthlessness was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced.
- I lost (well, gave away!) my hair. I donated my quite substantial pony tail to http://www.locksoflove.com so that it could be made into wigs for ill children. It was an amazing feeling, but anyone who has ever cut off ALL of their hair at once will understand there is a strange feeling of loss and challenge to their sense of identity for a while.
Today was also 12wbt weigh in day. I lost 400grams. Bringing my current total weight loss to 31.3kg so far.
That’s a loss that I’m proud of. It was the lessons learned in the journey that weight loss has been that have given me the most amazing gains this year.
Making that decision to join 12wbt was the catalyst. The flapping of the butterfly’s wings.
I don’t recognise a single aspect of my life and self as they were 12 months ago. And it’s all awesome.
I’m proud. And confident. And tough as fucking nails when I need to be.
I’m the person I want to be. The better version of myself. And it’s still getting better every day.
So what does twelve months look like?